2006
1. Haiku of Introduction
Here is where it starts
Truth honesty love passion
In pictures and words
2. Whirlpools Revisited
Blistering interpersonal
interactions in the harshest of lights:
reality and sobriety
Imps and fairies furiously
erecting veneer as gale winds simultaneous strip away
All bravado and
self-composure of a cowering boy wearing man-shoes possibly
Fight flight feed or fuck –
that’s all there is nevertheless
The rest of “this” –
justifications for why we do…all our things
Love and sex, religion, depression, and art itself
Is merely manifestation of the most basic of human need
And as always and as in the sweaty recurring dreams still
The show must continue
Whether the lines are known or not
Serial one-act plays of life
3. Stolen and Edited to My
Satisfaction
Artistic sexuality and
madness
Genes predominantly common
Contributing to
distinctiveness of uniquely imagined views
May also explain the artist’s
attractiveness to others (and self)
Art as courtship performance
of attraction
Human plumage intended to
entice unconsciously
What artists are expected to
do – perhaps
Impulses unconstrained by the
boundaries that apply to the rest of our social order
Accepting the unintended and
intended consequences
Of genius (or madness) and
voice
Of longing and fulfillment of
Intimate desires ratcheted to
mind-boggling clichés of ecstasy
Dying the youngest artists
Gathering rosebuds while they
may
But also to write, paint,
sing, compose and talk about it, incessantly
As inspired and motivated and
challenged and
Being imaginative the artist
loves deepest
A long-running conceit
because sex has become so
Desperately cheapened and
unromantic
More than ever sex equals
art, freedom, love, and naughtiness
Faintly unhinged, with
perverse and agile desires
More myth than science
Our oldest and most cherished
need
This may be no more than
escapism; but so is art
4. How I See It All
History is moving toward
things
Regardless of consequence
Genuine people with genuine
intents
Far more essential than
anything less
Rewards are result of efforts
Interjected into situations
anew
"You can't embrace your
passions
If you live for safety"
Practical and satisfactory
living
May be mutually exclusive
Happiness [a reiteration] is not
a place
Or a destination or end of
all journeys
Happiness is function of and
relationship with
All the highs and the lows
and experiences
We are shaped by what takes
our breath away
Until we have no breath
remaining
5. Sometimes
Sometimes being me
Is difficult to the
Point of agony sheer
Of awkwardness and
Heat of spotlights
And microphones –
A live stage show for
Foreign audiences
No one understanding
A goddamn thing
Going on
Staring with disdain
6. Racing
At some point
The decadence of the spirit
Will catch up with me
But I am staying out in front
For now
With mendacity and fantasies
As long as
Philosophy and
intellectualism
Prevails
Maybe I’ll sty out front
7. Howling
The rawness of kissing her
When the grinding of lust
Becoming the center of two
universes
Two devolving into basics
As animals in their element
Existing for solitary
purposes
When biting is foreplay
Howling is neither surprising
nor unexpected
Some bruising can be expected
No place for the fragile or
the feeble
Is the place where we meet
To salve our aches
8. Exhaustion Impression
Clarity
The exhaustion I feel is
based less
On externally located
Loci of control factors
Then on all that I do
On my very own
To create chaos
Distraction and opportunities
For disaster and self-destruction
It is with wonder and
splendor
I view my autobiographical
film
Booing and hissing at
My unsavory character
While feeling admiration and
Genuine respect for
The hero in me
All glamorous and steely
But through the wear
The fog lifts to unveil
A movement toward
All ever aspired wanted or
intuited
In this moment on earth
The embarrassment of
spiritual wealth
The Zen of emptiness of
thought
And acceptance of self
9. Angels in Berkeley
Heaven and café
Surprisingly alluring
Last mean on death row
Angels with presents
(presence)
Eye contact penetrating
Refining the zone
Leisure of kingdoms
Goddamn my life is perfect
Tasty red liquids
Fruit flies on chickens
Welcoming to apexes
Enough is enough
Congratulations
I have looked in the attic
It’s time to return
Inspiration is
Something given eagerly
Consuming our minds
Without the context
A frightening collection
Of primitive needs
10. Decisions About and
Reasons For Everything
Intensely sad for complex and
deeply internalized reasons
Miserable because no longer
in possession
Of ability to wound feelings
with ease
Nor anymore can I overtly and
completely
Take control of destinies
mine
Instead of charging forward
In manners more appropriate
for
Personality and supposed
stature
As genuinely outsized as this
I sit back and ponder and
wonder
Slinking among the cracks
appeasing
Compromising to avoid
conflicts and misinterpretations
Because somehow humility and
perspective
Infected my being like some
lowly
Contagion of the lowly among
us
Hoping for familiar patterns
and capabilities
Engage the mythical autopilot
of lives past
Remembering a time when the
world
Indeed bent nay molded to
direct will
Formulas forgotten muscle
memory disoriented
Now like sharks
When forward momentum ceases
I sink
Dead of life
Dead of credibility gasping
It takes a little more out of
me
Each mountain climbed each
frontier surveyed
But in the end we will again
Stand among as essence
Again cynosure and arrogant
11. Cut and Run
Like that horrible screaming
in dreams
When no one can hear you
Because try as you may
No sound escapes your face
Choking on your own
bitterness
Ruined only by yourself
Booed offstage for acting so
imperiously
While jumping at the daylight
shadows
Desperately debating whether
to learn
How to be in this world
Looking for blueprints or
maps
From apathy to antipathy
When all we ever always
needed
Was to find someone trusted
To hand our bloody hearts
Without scheme for merriment
12. Trees Felling
Lumberjacks
Throwing self into passions
Drowning in ideas new (and
not)
What got me here in the first
place
Gets me too far in the second
Frozen in time and place
Fossilized for the eternity
of ages, but
Falling inward into
particular moments
And the quiddity of it all
The newness of being so
broken
The novelty of being fucking
lost
Trees felling lumberjacks
without fear
Disaster is criminal* so they
say
Departures from nature
is
deviation from happiness
Compared to expectations
Disaster is evidently a
relative term
* Fortune from fortune cookie
found on 12.30.05
13. Haiku
Totally backwards
When goal to find happiness
Leave people crying
14. Significant Reflection
Watching Evgeny Kissin’s
performance
From 1988’s New Years Even
concert
Berliner Philharmoniker with
Karajan
A significant event – for
those who care
Tchaikovsky piano Concerto
No. 1
Kissin was recently 17 years
old at the time
Given my early goal for the
symphony
It is difficult enough to
watch or hear
The world-class orchestras
without envy
But true prodigies – albeit
freak shows
Are as irresistible as they
are loathed
And Evgeny was incredible –
to tears, remarkable
The true prodigy, the
so-called “genius”
Builds upon the natural
“gift” – life becomes the art – inseparable
Reducing others to Mozart’s
sniveling Salieri
The prodigy leaves others
wanting
Hoping and searching for
talents
Questioning ideas and
motivations anew
When the art is allowed to
live
Muting noise and ignoring
distraction
We gain tremendous focus for
the world around
We know truths and see
through eyes
It was Goethe who said, “a
real poet
has
an innate knowledge of life”
15. Untitled
Aspirations toward
Integrity and honest
Living and dying
How do we obtain
Necessities and longings
Without injuring?
16. Belief Structures (in
secret code)
Empirical wandering throughout
Small growing existence
What to believe
How to behave
Winds blowing eastward
China to California
Thoughts and experiences
Spirits and ghosts
Rationally reasoning logic
Algorithms functioning
passively
First principal truths
About our expectations
Finding exacting knowledge
Absolute material phenomena
Dinosaurs form dusts
Post-mainstream impacts
Agnostic’s logical position
Thrill and anguish
Art and sex
Piling up fatalities
Is existentialism humanism?
Faith changes boundaries
Passionate logic use
Not for me…
17. Dope Rhymes (Remix)
The drugs make us tired
The drugs make us dumb
The drugs douse the fires
The drugs make us numb
18. After Another New Year
Like a new post-apocalypse
world again
Resulting in more questions
than answers
About situations and
institutions
Attraction that never really
dissipates
Simmering low until compelled
to boil over
Desire as sine qua non as
love
Friendships and rules
(broken)
Disconcerting, livid battle
cry for attention
Once the Jonz always the Jonz
though
Interactions as wild
Tchoupitoulas
“Masking” for obscurity or
individuality
Desperately wanting and
fearing inclusion
“I would like to think that
it’s the obligation to have fun I find depressing.”
-Garrison Keillor
19. Boy Toy (mind cadence)
Boy toy by choice
Whore occupation
Connection in mind
Sex a fixation
The roles that we play
The scenes that we steal
Bodies in wake
No time to heal
Better by choice
Deeper inherent
Patterns repeated
God fear the parent
Decisions are made
Destinies chosen
Behaviors dependent
On policies broken
For women and men
And those in between
The spirit is fragile
Life’s never serene
20. I Predict A Riot
I predict a riot
The stuff of American legend
Eureka moments of
rhetorical
hyperbole
Proud but meaningless
associations
of humans
and systems
In a cult of the unrestrained
Between agency and outcome
Systematic propagation
Of given doctrines
And future gifting of
phantoms
Moving badly in silence
You don’t have to be that
good
to
do something amazing, but
Once you have a crowd
You have a scene
21. What If?
What if one day I actually
wrote about
what I was actually thinking?
About who I wanted to fuck
or whom I wanted to heave
under busses?
What if for just a moment I
dropped the code
and exposed my secrets and
truths?
Like the lies for personal
gain or
the manifest illicit
activities or the darkest ignominy?
What if people knew of my
desires unfiltered
fantasies dreams and
perversions?
Would there be ridicule about
how I like it or derision for
taste?
What if I somehow found the
courage
to live the life of my
Mittyesque daydreams?
To actually have it all
while only needing so little
What if I weren’t so fucking
afraid
of myself so much more than
others?
And soared as intended
as encouraged and as only
half-ass ever attempted
What if I became so
comfortable being me
I managed to find something
called peace of mind?
Then what would I have to
keep me alive
awake at night and ever
searching for answers?
22. A Cleansing
Like the ventriloquist
Pencil and paper as dummy
Able to say all the words
I dare not publicly admit
Cleansing, yes, a cleansing
If not for the drug use
I’d be no use at all
The burden of secrets
is the weight of the universe
Rituals and our customs
Mattering little if not at
all anymore
When you sell your soul
you are no longer the rebel,
but the shill
Yes, it’s you, just fucking
you, OK?
The devil takes a holiday
Like a prophet or a sage
I’d rather be crazy than
stupid
Or a fool or categorized
simply
Oh, so what I wanted to say
Was (read between these
lines)
It’s killing me and
You’re feeling it too
23. Rudeness
Perhaps offended by feedback
Or embarrassed at being
perfectly 'called out'
But RUDE is the attribute
The conspicuous character
blemish
Subject to deep gazes in
mirrors today
Looking backwards conceivably
Agreement with shades of the
impolite
Discourteous or varying
degrees of offensive
All fitting playbooks of
conscious choices
Acts designed to mislead or
baffle (or simply amuse)
Rejected wholeheartedly
however
Are vulgar, boorish and foul
Uncouth? Never uncivilized or crude
It is with elegant sway that
I offend
Panache always fundamental to
method
As a chameleon fittingly at
ease
Appropriate to occasion
Tailored to individual
genuinely
Soaring with mellifluous
aplomb
I've been there before –
disdain for cause
But if RUDE is the call
So be it to repair the
plumbing
For recitals anew and gains
personal
Healthy reflection drives
improvement
New tricks arouse old dogs
24. thank you
thank you for calling here
and thank you for saying what
you said
that some of my art is good
nobody that i trust has
really come out and
said that to me (aloud -
enough)
so that i heard it (or let it
through)
kind of scary, really
scary that i actually heard
it this time
scary that i sort of believe
it
reminds me that i should do
more
or do less or run
the hell away from all of it
again
or really believe should i
in my art and the people
who care enough to tell me so
but i've already said too
much
so most of all
thank you for everything
my dear
25. The Mayor of Cartoon
Town
Welcome to your grown-up
years
Over hurdles at midpoints
In crises are opportunities
But caution be heeded
As slicing at already tender
wounds
With sharp, jagged knives
With nothing to explain
And everything to pronounce
(through actions)
We yield to moments – as
hiatus
Insanity earned or inherited
No excuses for wrongs
inflicted
Retractions tardy or rejected
Detachment into alternative
worlds
Existence becomes
penitentiary in purgatory
I am the mayor of cartoon
town
26. Speak Easy
In every metropolis and in
every culture
During all periods of modern
human times
Exist extravagant and
vigorous undergrounds
Where there’s always “the hot
stuff” action
With hep cats drinking,
snorting and cavorting
Among scenesters with glasses
thick of plastic frames
Coexisting within the brain
Past layers of matters gray
and perhaps white
Are the speakeasies of the
mind as well
The smokey cathouses inside
our heads
As addictive as cocaine
snorted off glistening breasts
Greet those detached by
choice or circumstance
Those dead and those
unfortunately alive (still)
Dancing to music that in no
way ends
And the password is: It’s me
Sweat puke fuck suck laugh
cry die
The party is just beginning
And you are its host – the
pulse
27. Reasons
A master of snap judgments
Hierarchical platforms of
context
And starting to look like the
only honest guy in the room
Don’t make things worse…
by insulting my intelligence
[Thirteen miners fate unknown
Minds like ears blown]
Sometimes actions are
More transparent than you
think
The thrill and agony
of the ongoing ego fighting
Sniveling like cowardly
whores
During our continuing
cultural wars
[All the officers slept
holding
their guns with arms folding]
Idiocy transcends all
boundaries
More rapaciously than
Einstein’s universe
28. Sanctification
So much pleasure in being
able to see
all the flights from the
control tower
Interweaving, methodical,
logical patterns
Satisfying are the outcomes
in general
Fortunate am I to be
sanctified
With Vision and aptitudes
Mystical or uncanny – unusual
intangibly
Able to make flow from spill
They all know and have always
known
From the beginning of time
Until the endgame of
existence
That remarkable is terrifying
– inimitable is dangerous
So be it in the air of
superiority
Vulnerable mostly to self and
urge(s)
Desire and necessity confused
Like snapshots of ascents and
descents
29. Nix Mary
Horrified and saddened to
tears – sobbing
But responsible to bear
witness
To learn never to fail to
remember
Or repeat the horrors of our
disgraceful history
Present or future
Heed the warnings while never
Underestimating the human
capacity for evil
To inflict pain upon other
humans
From Birkenau to Darfur
There are few things more
mystifying
Than a miniature casket
Like a betrayal
Or a broken promise to your
God
Seeing makes no sense
Little angels everywhere
A raw, cold, penetrating day
Jesus Christ crying
No words to describe the
atrocity of this monster
“A Sight That Makes No Sense”
Those of us who are strong
Those of us who are smart
Owe the rest a great deal
To carry forward
And to cry for these strangers
30. Matter : Antimatter
Epic battle over human nature
Syllogistic mating of
choice(s) and freedom(s)
Doing better but feeling
shoddier
Good enough is almost always
good enough
Well-articulated burdens of
character
And willingness to believe…
Paralysis
Energy
Fulfillment
High stakes manifestations –
of
Expectations too high to meet
Everything suffering by
association
Nothing holding us back
But crippling burden of
Choice
The embarrassment of riches
Satiation from good
Dampening escalations of bad
When signal to noise balances
Subject and confederate
Steal themselves with the
Guilt of assassins
31.
Untitled
The decision and the
experience
And the repulsion of defaults
Yearning forward
Protégé and mentor
Interchangeably interlocking
Words and kisses
Knowing thoughts before you
I require
Eyes seldom deceive
Organs of intelligence and
sex never
32. Believe Me (haiku)
Believe me I know
But the silence and distance
Cripples beyond pain
33. Reiterations
Reiterations of reiterations
But giddily fun nonetheless
The psychology of us all
Puzzles of grandmotherly
wisdom
Reiterations of reiterations
When attitude and behaviors
are at variance
At least we don’t feel so
cookie cutter
Elusive as unique has become
34. In Dreams (haiku)
In dreams I always
Exercise all my senses
Your body and mind
35. The Burden of Animals
Heavy like something
Carried around with nowhere
to unload
Except on you
(With preference to “in” you)
Perhaps the truth is forever
present
Selfish may not be inaccurate
But the bio-chemicals…
And huge doses of
testosterone
Provokes these behaviors:
dumb, irrational
Non-ambiguous appetites
Bad girl meeting bad boy:
tendencies
Behind our masks and roles
Grotesque awkwardness spent
Just desire and necessity
lingering
Liberation and nurturance
A master plan shoddily
executed
Perhaps an ambitious fantasy
Intellectually erotic love
attraction
Or distilled to simplest
terms
Just…the burden of animals
36. Haiku One
Escape from prisons
Of the spirit and the soul
"Happy" fantasies
When lovers unite
Limitless inclinations
Come out late at night
You know who you are
A giant funhouse mirror
I am you are me
37. More Haiku
I need a lover
To fuck my body and mind
Before I am numb
We need our gurus
Vessels of divinity
Lead to inspire
Leaving all of this
In degrees of "happiness"
Optimistic dread
38. Like the Phoenix
Resurrection from embers
Of burned bridges
Perceived betrayals
And lost contact
Cliché like the phoenix
Impressed with own powers of
Survival and instinct
Preservation meeting perseverance
Will intersecting selfish, stubborn desire
Bending realities like breaking rules
Expanding repertoire of skill
Cementing position as king
Among world-class snobs and makers
Carrying forward with usual superiority airs
I still control my world
39. Cursed is the Blessed
Human Animal
What is preventing us (all of us) from simply enjoying our time here (on
earth)? Why can't we just find our comfort zones and save the drama and the
angst for stage plays and jigsaw puzzles? There's fun to be had and we've
already had enough grief to last us well into our next (and next after) lives.
Believe me, I get it. We are the humans; homo-fucking-sapien. There are
complexities, subtleties, and inconsistencies, no doubt. That comes with the
ability to reason and drive stick.
But, we also have the very basic responsibility to share an interesting chat,
laugh until we gag, and fuck each other silly every so often. It is me, or are
my priorities skewed?
40. Purpose: Manhood
Having lofty regard for
society
Vigilantly & diligently
avoiding being nuisance
Particularly on those who
host or invite us warmly
Making our existence in the
human race instead
a
light and welcome experience
Hoping thusly to deserve – at
least – modest
Reflectively fine kismet
One sub-definition of
“manhood”
Understanding that not
every-thing in life is you(rs)
That, at times, people for
whom you have responsibilities
need
you to protect them – at all costs
So in dreadfully certain
situations
Matters are taken into your
own hands
Even if the result is
rejection and derision
41. The End of the Road
Someone please inspire me
I feel like a well run
waterless
After a long, scorching
summer
Blinding actuality of
soberness
Vigor and good morale
Annoying chores to attend
In a fit of tears
Carrie said, “Never meet your
heroes”
Always bound to disillusion
Or discoveries of mortality
Futility or weaknesses
Of mind or fleshy tissues
Transition from creator
To very human user
[Bound to happen sometime]
Oh, someone please arouse me
Save me from my own vicious
ways
Unless my demise is your
creation
42. Fate Fatality
Of what fate or providence
divine
Given only splendid
intentions
How can an almighty be
claimed?
For destiny appears – at
present
To be all maddeningly
inaccessible
Paths neither intersecting
nor interweaved
[No significant main effects
or interactions]
Life processes – the
mechanics – the fundamentals
At constant variance and
conflict
Clocks ticking faster and
louder each second
Castigation unjust, unfair,
unkind
Exacerbated by painful
possession of knowledge
High comedy if not for
tragedies unspoken
A test – a journey – a
lesson; of what
For offenses forgotten or
buried perhaps
But connections unmistaken
The unvarying pulls of
gravity
Changing orbits through force
and will
Bending ice and melting steel
Because, because, because we
are dying for our truths
43. Some Thinking
Perhaps a paradigm shift is
What is in order here
A perfect relationship being
One spent largely apart by
intention
Yet never more than a moment
away
To share all that truly
counts, remotely even
The very beginning – maybe?
Of a lifelong
exclusive-clandestine existence (together)
Worlds apart but hearts as
one
Liaisons bi or tri annum even
Luxuriating in comfort and
honesty
Rapport simple but so
convoluted
Understood only by and for
each other
But never to the point of
annoyance
Aggravation or shared
businesses forbidden
Love’s purity for love alone
– period
Our most difficult problems
Cannot be solved through
convention any longer
And life cannot continue to
be
All idiotic and unending
crises
To have each other is to have
it all
Yet have so little save
anticipation
Fulfillment and the pining
But we still get all we ever
needed
44. Nonlinear Runaway Spasms of Extreme
Moments
On foot from here to there it
happens
Incidental glimpse of your
very own reflection
In the full-length window of
some office or shop
You identify the image
instantaneously as familiar
Instants before recognizing
that it is in fact you
And you consider, “Oh, that’s
what I look like”
But in that moment
It all solidifies
Yes that is you – for all the
world
Too tall, too plump, too
squat, too lean
Frowning with ill-matched
garments
Goofy looking motherfucker
indeed
Nearly agonizingly mortifying
awareness
Yes that is you – for the
entire world
No one to weigh against and
context absent
No longer seventeen and
perpetual
You ache in places that
Used to cooperate
And you speculate
How can one
endure
All of this --
with equanimity
45. Unrepentant
Direct Uncomplicated
Unrepentant
Arrogant notions of supremacy
In a relatively infinitesimal
period
of
time
Spyholes on perpetuity
Consciousness and intellect
Truly most striking and
unbelievable
Even our most commonplace of
every day pleasures
and
pains
Through rhymes and
inflections
Learning to maintain
relationships
At points and depths of
icebergs
Compartments
46. To catch up
There is nothing more
frustrating than
A brain waiting
For everything else – machine
or human
To catch up
The anguish of the wait
Far exceeds any reward or
benefit
From whatever outcome
47. Situation Resolution
Thinking always devoid of
thinking
Understanding intentions and
capabilities
Improvisation live without
nets
All to awaken your senses
As you arouse mine
A life as compelling as it is
horrifying
Unstructured Unsupervised
Unscripted
But neither arbitrary nor
chaotic, always tidy
Hundreds if not thousands of
rehearsal hours
For every moment performed
Discipline meet intuition
(“how do you do?”)
Valves of emotion and
intellect wide open
Actions developed through
suppression-suppression
Reacting quickly and always
honestly
No suggestion – by rule –
ever be denied
Creating conditions for
successful spontaneity
48. El Roble
Never together
Purgatory junior high
Forever dying
49. Back to Base
An expedition never concludes
Until we return back to base
Seeing our home and ourselves
As if for the very first time
Even if as vague imagery from
wistful slumber
Context and perspective
Situations analyzed and
interpreted (for right or not)
And weighed against hazard
and investment
In hopes only of love and
life peace
Trying is never as ambitions
as doing
Eschewing sleep, sustenance,
or stature
But sometimes we are
systemically prevented
From doing…and we begin to
wither
Vulnerability exposed for all
to notice
Hurt is easy and pain often
insufferable
Survival akin to epic movie
battles
Yet we continue somehow
heroically persistent
50. The End
And in the end
There will be nothing
Absolutely positively nil
No sights – no sounds – no
context
We depart as we enter
Sans promises or shoes on our
feets
Relieved that the clocks and
watches
Have finally stopped the
incessant ticking
Cursed to only figure out at
last
All of life’s understated
glories
Suddenly and alarmingly – and
with amazing clarity
Once it’s nearly too goddamed
late
We have our moments – some of
us
Legacies uncluttered in the
nonsensical squander
Of noise, half-hearted
confusion, and cliché
Somehow living onward if not
forever
The end.